Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Value of Connection: Parenting From the Inside Out




There is great value in building relationship with our children on a foundation of trust and love. With our hurt kids from hard places this is where we have to start. We have to first build trust through creating felt safety. And we must also understand that the child may not feel safe, may not trust and may not love or be loved in a way we try to offer it. The impact of trauma has effect on even the simplistic functioning of their ability to connect in relationships. What often makes this difficult is that trauma is misinterpreted by its symptoms.
If you find that hard to believe look at how many of children from hurt places have been diagnosed with attention and conduct disorders. We know Children from hurt places respond to safe and calm environments in unusual ways. Many times it feels like the child is pushing for strict and harsh discipline-and perhaps they are so they can feel in control of when it happens and go to a place of familiar patterns. But harsh responses can cause further and long-lasting problems for children from hurt places.
A lot of children who come from hard places will have several difficulties all at once— from sleep and attention problems, difficulties with fine motor control and coordination, social and relational delays and deficits and speech and language problems with abnormalities in sleep, play, arousal, appetite, moods and impulse control. Children who act in the ways we have described are indeed in some kind of pain. Pain makes people irritable, anxious, and aggressive. Surrounding the pain is a barrier of fear which also builds walls for protection, making connecting even more difficult.
Another factor to this is that most children from hard places are accustomed to people around them who react to whatever happens to them next. There is very little proactive, impulse control or decision making happening around them.  Dr. Bruce Perry says that children are more vulnerable to trauma than adults-resilience is made, not born. Children become resilient by learning new patterns in handling stress and from the nurturing they receive as this is proven to change their neurological system to stress. When you parent from a relationship base of building connections through safety and trust it means going beyond the behavior and beyond the consequences to see behavior as communication. From what we now know about brain development and functioning we know trauma related behavior is a response to stress and stress responders are triggered by the trauma. Brain research and our experiences tell us when we are stressed we are not able to build relationships. We can’t think as clearly nor can we interact appropriately. Stress causes confusion but it also constricts us emotionally leaving very little room for the brain to function relationally.
In order to stay connected and present with the child, even while they are kicking and screaming, we first have to view what is happening within the child differently. They aren’t being bad, they aren’t making a choice-they are having difficulty regulating their overflow of feelings, feelings they are too afraid to even get close to when things are calm…Big reactions keep them safe from exploring their deeper needs and feelings.  We must also remember there is nothing logical or rational happening in that moment for the child. This is not a teachable moment. It is a moment to just ride through the storm with them.  When we stay with our children and ride out the storms, we find greater healing and give them tools to regulate emotions. Patience, love, consistency, care, are no short term cures. Taking time to pay attention and to listen is key. When you take the time to see the world from the child’s perspective you help them to feel safer. This is about building a foundation for your child. Your child has to deal with his issues of confusion and fear before he can demonstrate love and appreciation for you bringing him home.
Why do we have to work so hard to connect with some kids? Our children from hurt places are attachment challenged. They are challenged in their ability to make positive, healthy attachments.  They are not equipped to be in a relationship. Fear does not build relationships and when a child’s brain is still operating in survival mode they are in fear and chaos inside. So asking if they know you love them, or to say they love you…might make us feel better, but there are holes in the foundation we actively must repair for them to really feel and understand what those words mean.
Because trauma even that which is caused by neglect, causes overloads of stress on a person’s response systems, marked by a lack of control, treatment must start by creating a safe environment…not just physically safe, but one the child is safe in emotionally too. This is done in the context of family—predictable, respectful relationships are built best in nurturing home base places for children. This is where a child is able to feel safe, and then gain a sense of competency and mastery. That is why the thing that works the least is any treatment, any discipline or intervention that forces children with powerful, intimidating tactics.
When we see children who have attachment issues we know we are working with a person who is struggling to handle their responses to stress. They do not have a way to handle their regulatory system…essentially this is a child who is scared (even if they are acting incredibly bold), stressed and living out of their primal survival mode to maintain their very existence. Trauma and our response to it cannot be understood outside the contrast of human relationships…this is what experts in the field of brain development, trauma research and even us counselors know to be true. Relationship trumps methods and really cool techniques every time!
What happens to us is not as impactful as to what it does to the relationships around us—to our loved ones, to ourselves and others around us. Most of our children have been impacted in some way by the shattering of what should have been a steady and solid normal and natural relationship. So even if it happened in utero, or at birth it has an impact. As a result the recovery from trauma and neglect also is all about relationships-rebuilding them. This happens as we strive to build trust, confidence and returning to security and reconnecting to love.