What is Behavior?

I listened to a couple of women talk about their children's temper tantrums and problems getting their children to clean their rooms. I listened while they knowingly told each other how they would discipline and traded ideas on things they could try to make them mind.  It was a normal conversation between moms, but it made me a little sad.  I didn't say anything, in fact I walked away. They weren't my clients, they are barely my friends and they were talking amongst themselves, not to me. They weren't doing anything wrong by most standards, but I guess I hoped for better. I have been hanging around a different group of parents and child-care workers and hadn't heard this kind of banter for a while. I also expected a little more, since these parents were also teachers. 

I realized that there is a lot of teaching and training that needs to happen in order for people to understand there is a better way, a more effective way to work with children--a way that is balanced between nurture and structure. There is a way that gives parents practical tools and insights to mirror God's love as they build strong and meaningful connections with their children.A way that comes along side our children and teaches and trains while building strong bridges of trust.

I think the challenge facing us parents or teachers is how to really love and care for children in a ways that express it with practicality. This can be especially difficult when we can't see beyond the child's behaviors. We need to see past a tantrum to the fear, confusion, or hurt a child maybe experiencing. But first our primary goal can not be about getting good behavior. Our goal, as Karen Purvis (The Connected Child) so wisely puts it, is to build strong and healthy relationships. In teaching our children right and wrong, we must remain focused on building a foundation of safety, self-worth and empowerment that allows true growth to transform them.

I love working with parents who really want things to be better in their families and really want to help their children heal or adjust. I love it when the parents begin to see their child's behavior in new ways. When they see behavior as communication (even if they don't get what they are saying), they also begin to look for different solutions rather than simply punish and expecting the behavior to stop. I enjoy helping parents look for other options. The parents begin to find ways meet the child's real needs and let go of power struggles. In the process, parents discover that they can win their child's heart because they build trust and help them to find better ways to communicate what they are really feeling.




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