I don’t
know many parents who do not at times find themselves in battles with their
children over issues of control and power in the family. As a mom and
especially now as an adoptive mom I experience different levels of power struggles pretty much every day-mine and the kids. Working with abused children
taught me a great deal about our human nature and how all of us, in many ways,
struggle to be in control of our environment, our individual lives and more
often than not, others. I work with a
lot of parents who have adopted children who are engaged in power struggle on a
daily basis as they and their children fight for control.
This is
a really touchy subject because so many of the things we fight with our
children about are what might be considered standard parenting practice. As
parents we often feel we have certain things we have to make our children do or
else we are failures as parents. When I ask parents why the chores are
important, or why they must make sure all the homework is done correctly, often
it is because of their own anxiety about being a good parent and doing what all
good parents should do. The truth is, we don’t know how our kids are going to
turn out, or what they will ultimately choose to do with their lives, but at
the end of the day we want to at least know we made them wash behind their
ears, eat the right food and grounded them when they broke the rules….right?
What if
it isn’t right? What if instead of reacting and trying to gain the upper hand
because we are afraid for our own loss of power and control, we could take a
step back and get ahold of the relationship first? What if making a connection
becomes the goal rather than taking charge? What if learning to be responsible
first starts with learning how to have basic human connections and how to repair
relationships? What if it is truly impossible to function in healthy ways when
we feel isolated, chaotic, stressed and full of fear? The truth is, it is necessary for our children
to feel safe, love, seen, cherished and be connected to us in order for them to
grow, heal, and make the best choices. All of us function better when we are
experiencing connection and relationship.
When a
child says no to us, it creates a stress reaction in the parent, and that often
sends an avalanche of fear emotions on the parent’s side. These emotions
include anger, jealousy, defiance, and depression. These emotions also trigger
fear reactions in others as well. You can’t see your child’s fear if you are in
a self-protective mode brought on by your own fear and stress. Bryan Post says
that when we see the behavior and go into our reaction, we hit a wall. This is
where we stop connecting and start trying to gain control or shut down. Have you ever said, “I am the mom and it has
to be this way”? What you are reacting to is the fear that if it isn’t my way,
I am not going survive either. As soon as you start to react instead of
responding, you are entering a power struggle that can escalate as quickly as
you allow.
A power
struggle works because two are willing to hold onto their defenses, but what
happens when I let go of the rope and stop pulling against or striving to win?
What if instead I start to work to build connection, provide safety and draw
into the relationship the best I can? When I get to the place where I can
observe the behavior without judging it, when I can see their inner struggle
and the fear and stress in me and in the child, that is when I move from trying to kill the
behavior to actually honoring the place it comes from. This might mean that for
the time being, the chore doesn’t get done, his teeth don’t get brushed, his
room is a mess or she does roll her eyes and maybe even talks with disrespect.
But
honestly, what is so important about chores, homework, brushing teeth or always
having a good attitude that it overshadows building deep connections, helping
our children to overcome fear, and learning to repair relationships? Maybe we do need to re-evaluate our
lifestyle, change our perspective and re-wire our own thinking. Who cares if
the child has a clean room? We are trying to teach them to be human, to
function in a family and to stay connected to people even though their trust in
every adult has been broken. Creating more stress isn’t going to make things
better. Trying to strong arm them into doing what we want isn’t going to help
them lower their defenses. Many times, the lesson that needs to be learned is
that my child’s behavior will change when mine does.
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