What is Behavior?

I listened to a couple of women talk about their children's temper tantrums and problems getting their children to clean their rooms. I listened while they knowingly told each other how they would discipline and traded ideas on things they could try to make them mind.  It was a normal conversation between moms, but it made me a little sad.  I didn't say anything, in fact I walked away. They weren't my clients, they are barely my friends and they were talking amongst themselves, not to me. They weren't doing anything wrong by most standards, but I guess I hoped for better. I have been hanging around a different group of parents and child-care workers and hadn't heard this kind of banter for a while. I also expected a little more, since these parents were also teachers. 

I realized that there is a lot of teaching and training that needs to happen in order for people to understand there is a better way, a more effective way to work with children--a way that is balanced between nurture and structure. There is a way that gives parents practical tools and insights to mirror God's love as they build strong and meaningful connections with their children.A way that comes along side our children and teaches and trains while building strong bridges of trust.

I think the challenge facing us parents or teachers is how to really love and care for children in a ways that express it with practicality. This can be especially difficult when we can't see beyond the child's behaviors. We need to see past a tantrum to the fear, confusion, or hurt a child maybe experiencing. But first our primary goal can not be about getting good behavior. Our goal, as Karen Purvis (The Connected Child) so wisely puts it, is to build strong and healthy relationships. In teaching our children right and wrong, we must remain focused on building a foundation of safety, self-worth and empowerment that allows true growth to transform them.

I love working with parents who really want things to be better in their families and really want to help their children heal or adjust. I love it when the parents begin to see their child's behavior in new ways. When they see behavior as communication (even if they don't get what they are saying), they also begin to look for different solutions rather than simply punish and expecting the behavior to stop. I enjoy helping parents look for other options. The parents begin to find ways meet the child's real needs and let go of power struggles. In the process, parents discover that they can win their child's heart because they build trust and help them to find better ways to communicate what they are really feeling.




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One Church One Child

Jade Wallace: Giving Back

What is Trauma?

In a day and age where the word trauma is referred to when talking about any kind of stress such as breaking a nail, losing one's keys or anything demanding, or uncomfortable, it may be necessary to clearly define what is meant by trauma from a true mental health perspective.

In Eliana Gil's book, Helping Abused and Traumatized Children, she defines it in light of the DSM-IV (the diagnostic Bible for providers) which looks at trauma as an event that is either actual or threatened to the person or witnessed by another. This includes serious injury, or death, learning about an unexpected death or a violent death, serious harm or injury of a family member or one close to the person (DSM-IV-TR: American Psychiatric Association, 2000).

One of the critical issues about trauma is that it is a debilitating loss of control that people, especially children, experience. This loss of control has a huge impact on the person and can be very distressing and overwhelming. This can last over long periods of time, coming and going, and seen in a variety of behaviors.

Children have a difficult time and are usually unable to modulate their arousal, process or categorize what is happening to them and their internal stress. They are not able to discern the impact of what has happen or what they may have witnessed.

Every person is different in how they handle a traumatic event and every situation varies in terms of internal and external support the individual has in helping to overcome their loss of control. How long the trauma occurred, how old the person was at the time, how intense it was, how the family and those close responded, the temperament of the individual, their coping skills, how quickly they were able to regain control, and other compounding effects all come into play when addressing trauma and healing.

Thoughts on Adoption

Today I was watching my friends with their adopted and "home-grown" children at huge church picnic we had. I was remembering the stories they told me about their adoptions and the effort, sacrifice and faith it took to bring these children home. I thought about my other friends that are waiting to adopt, several in different phases of the process. I considered my own adoption and what it took for my parents to bring me home from the foster care system. I thought about how much hope there is in the act of adoption. Hope to bring home a child, hope to bring healing and health, hope for the child to have a family and hope to see that child grow and know our Father who has also adopted us.

But adoption is also about parenting and parenting is challenging! It is a long journey that is full of hope, but also tests our strength and faith at times. Parenting kids from hard places, children who have been through hurt, trauma and loss that most adults could not bear is a great challenge and a great calling. It it is far more intense than bringing the child home. It is nothing less than healing for the whole child. And the healing that we desire for our children is a process and it is anchored in real hope.

Our hope for our children is similar to the hope that God has for us. We are His adopted, often traumatized and certainly attachment deficient children. He uses a balance of nurture, tender mercies and structure. He continually leads us into relationship with Him. In parenting our children we too must lead our children intentionally, firmly and lovingly into a relationship of trust and healing. In doing so our children are able to discover real life-changing hope.

About Us....

Hi and welcome! Healthy Foundations is a blog that is designed to help people with their primary relationships...your family. Many of our posts will be done by licensed professional counselors or other experts in the field of family and relationships. Many of the blogs will center on issues of adoption, foster care, helping kids heal from trauma, blended families and helping families to connect in deeper ways.

Healthy Foundations is an actual support center that is located in Boise, Idaho. (learn more at www.healthyfoundationssupportcenter.com) It is owned by Michelle Alden a licensed professional counselor and author. Michelle has written two books and you can learn more about the books at www.michellealden.com.

If you have questions or issues you would like to see discussed on this blog, please let us know!