Thursday, October 18, 2012

Is Time Out a Good Option?

When our kids are having a melt-down or we as parents are close to losing it, isn't time out a great idea? Doesn't it provide the needed relief, at least for the moment? Doesn't it keep us from reacting poorly in a stress-filled situation? It seems like such a non-violent option. The problem is it really isn't as effective in helping misbehavior as one would hope.

When our children need correction we need to be efficient. This is much different than acting harshly, irrationally or punitively. But even more importantly, our children, especially those coming from hard places, need to be connected with us. In replacing fear with trust, isolation with connection we also need to replace reactive discipline with purposeful, mindful parenting.

Here are some considerations when faced with correcting (I prefer training) our children:
  • Bring compassion and acceptance into stressful situations. Look for ways to train your child that keep you mindful of their histories and of your goal to keep them connected to you.
  • Make sure you are managing your own emotions first. Are you reacting? What do you need in order to help your child right now? Maybe you need a time-out. Let your child know that you need a moment to calm down.
  • Ask your child if they would like a re-do. This works great when we don't like the way a child reacted or responded in a situation. Ask them to "try it again". Keep the mood light. It may take a while, but most of the time the reminder to try again can help with many situations.
  • Try moving in closer to your child, give a hug or ask them to sit by you for a moment. Sitting with someone when they are upset is a great way to show compassion. If the child is hitting or kicking, stay as close as is safe for you. 
  • Keep in mind that when a person is very upset-angry or melting down, it is not a teachable moment. 
  • Re-direct. Instead of telling a child to stop think about what you want them to do. Try humor to redirect if you can. But also be clear about what you want or need them to do. If you don't want them to scream or yell what would like them to do when they are angry or frustrated? 
This may seem like we are allowing the child too much liberty to misbehave. Parenting children from hard places or working with abused children may mean we encounter others who do not understand or share our ideas about connecting with them in order to help them heal and grow. It is not about allowing a child to dominate his or her family through tactics such as tantrums, whining, etc; but it is about staying calm, fair, and consistent while offering limits, providing structure, redirecting to better choices and honoring the impact of their histories. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Trauma Drama and How to Help

Children (and adults) who have experienced trauma, especially chronic trauma, can be affected in all areas of their lives. Even once removed from the trauma (neglect is also chronic trauma), the child is likely to have the effects in their overall functioning, thoughts, patterns and behaviors. It will effect how they interact with others. This is not pathology. For the child, it is survival and it is how they are communicating their trauma. Understanding the impact and how it seeps out is vital to providing true healing.

So what are we looking for? In a child trauma drama is behavioral and affect-related dysregulation.
It looks like: defiance, aggression, argumentative, explosive, hyperactivity, irritable, oppositional, over-emotional, with-drawn, sullen, attention issues, bi-polar or depression. We frequently mistake behaviors as the problem instead of what is going on inside the child. Being more effective in treating the underlying issues will help with the symptoms.  

When we continually misread a child's trauma as behavior problems, manipulative, defiance or avoidance we then discipline the child for managing their trauma in the only ways they know how. This does not help them to resolve it, or heal. We (parents, care-givers, teachers, grandparents, etc) help when we intervene and support the child as we teach better, healthier ways to live. We must be committed to helping the child to feel safe even in their trauma drama. Primarily the family, not the therapist is the anchor for the child. A loving family is crucial to healing, but if everyone on the child's team (teachers, coaches, youth pastors, parents, & therapists) provide safety, there are more opportunities for healing and intervention.


Another key component in understanding trauma is the awareness of fear in the survivor. Fear can be masked with anger, controlled by manipulation, and reacted to by pushing people away. It is a core issue that our hurt kids may be unaware of and yet experience every minute of every day. Think about the behaviors you wish would change in the child in your classroom, or home and then think about what it is they are really afraid of and how they are managing that fear. How can you make it safe for them? Please keep in mind this fear and trauma response can last for years and has many layers to it.

How to help (taken from Dr. Sheila Sturgeon Freitas, Ph.D.@ www.drsturgeonfreitas.com)

1.Create Safety. Over and over again until they can hold onto this.
2. Help the child to understand their responses to fear and trauma
3. Help them share what they are experiencing
4. Recognize early trigger signs of trauma drama.
5. Remember the child does not feel in control, but that something is happening to them. They are fighting for control in anyway they can.
6. Help the child develop a sense of self and their life story.
7. It is okay to reflect on who we have been so that we can understand who we are becoming and our place in the world.
8. Help them with problems relating to others: it doesn't come naturally for this child. Understand the fear is all around relationships and need for protection.
9. Help them with their core common beliefs about themselves and the world around them.
10. Safety, understanding and love.

As I was working on this I saw on Twitter from Foster2Foster: "You may know my name, not my story. You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through."