Is Time Out a Good Option?

When our kids are having a melt-down or we as parents are close to losing it, isn't time out a great idea? Doesn't it provide the needed relief, at least for the moment? Doesn't it keep us from reacting poorly in a stress-filled situation? It seems like such a non-violent option. The problem is it really isn't as effective in helping misbehavior as one would hope.

When our children need correction we need to be efficient. This is much different than acting harshly, irrationally or punitively. But even more importantly, our children, especially those coming from hard places, need to be connected with us. In replacing fear with trust, isolation with connection we also need to replace reactive discipline with purposeful, mindful parenting.

Here are some considerations when faced with correcting (I prefer training) our children:

• Bring compassion and acceptance into stressful situations. Look for ways to train your child that keep you mindful of their histories and of your goal to keep them connected to you.
• Make sure you are managing your own emotions first. Are you reacting? What do you need in order to help your child right now? Maybe you need a time-out. Let your child know that you need a moment to calm down.
• Ask your child if they would like a re-do. This works great when we don't like the way a child reacted or responded in a situation. Ask them to "try it again". Keep the mood light. It may take a while, but most of the time the reminder to try again can help with many situations.
• Try moving in closer to your child, give a hug or ask them to sit by you for a moment. Sitting with someone when they are upset is a great way to show compassion. If the child is hitting or kicking, stay as close as is safe for you. 
• Keep in mind that when a person is very upset-angry or melting down, it is not a teachable moment. 
• Re-direct. Instead of telling a child to stop think about what you want them to do. Try humor to redirect if you can. But also be clear about what you want or need them to do. If you don't want them to scream or yell what would like them to do when they are angry or frustrated? 

This may seem like we are allowing the child too much liberty to misbehave. Parenting children from hard places or working with abused children may mean we encounter others who do not understand or share our ideas about connecting with them in order to help them heal and grow. It is not about allowing a child to dominate his or her family through tactics such as tantrums, whining, etc; but it is about staying calm, fair, and consistent while offering limits, providing structure, redirecting to better choices and honoring the impact of their histories.