Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Adoption Stories
Today I am reflecting on the adoption stories I have heard over this past year and on my own. I just got back from DC where I met more adoptive families, heard more adoption stories and told my own story to many people. It is really starting to hit me how many people there are that could tell "my" adoption story in the first person.
From my point of view (briefly): I was six years old when I was adopted out of foster care where I lived in a horrible foster home for a little less than a year. My brother then 7 was to be adopted with me, his adoption placement failed and he was later adopted by our grandparents. My little brother, 4 was immediately adopted and the last time I saw him was when he was 5. My adoptive parents provided a good home, had two biological children after the adoption. I had off and on contact with my older brother once we were adults. He died in 2011 which is also the year (and about the same time) my little brother contacted me and together we met our birth mother (again). We also found our sister who had been placed at birth and in March 2012 we all were reunited.
This is the brief account, without a lot of details, but consider all people touched this adoption. There are my adoptive parents (they have yet to really share with me the adoption story from their point of view), my birth mother (her story is a book in itself), my older brother (no longer here to share it but it too could be a book), my younger brother (he doesn't remember much pre-adoption, but he is a huge part of my past story and now my present), my siblings I grew up with (not adopted but it would be interesting to know more of how they view adoption and what it means to them), my sister (her history of adoption is different than my brothers and I but just as compelling), and then a whole array of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and family friends (both adoptive and birth) on the fringes of each of our stories. One adoption and yet so many people.
In DC I also realized there are others that make adoption possible (or impossible). There are lawyers, judges, agencies, CPS, advocacy groups, social workers, counselors, doctors, teachers and child care workers. There are even (in some states) very involved congressmen and women, and lobbyists that are working tirelessly to improve on the process, to make more homes available and to get more and better support for pre and post adoptive families. The list goes on and on my friends.
I think all this struck me because as a child, my adoption seemed to be such a small thing. My little life, a little part of my life that was tucked away and hidden from just about everyone. My parents didn't ask me about what I thought or felt about adoption, we didn't talk about it really. I felt different at times, was treated differently at other times, but mostly I wanted to be like everyone else. I had no idea there were so many others directly or indirectly touched in life changing ways because of my adoption. Now as an adult I am starting to put all the pieces together. I am meeting adopted children and families almost everyday. And I am seeing what a big deal it is. What a great story every adoption is no matter how young or old the child, how big or small the trauma, every adoption affects a lot of people in HUGE life changing ways even if they don't want it to.
Once again, as I reflect on adoption, mine and others and the many more adoptive stories I will be a part of in the coming days, months and years, I realize to be adopted is an amazing adventure. I am thankful for the journey.
From my point of view (briefly): I was six years old when I was adopted out of foster care where I lived in a horrible foster home for a little less than a year. My brother then 7 was to be adopted with me, his adoption placement failed and he was later adopted by our grandparents. My little brother, 4 was immediately adopted and the last time I saw him was when he was 5. My adoptive parents provided a good home, had two biological children after the adoption. I had off and on contact with my older brother once we were adults. He died in 2011 which is also the year (and about the same time) my little brother contacted me and together we met our birth mother (again). We also found our sister who had been placed at birth and in March 2012 we all were reunited.
This is the brief account, without a lot of details, but consider all people touched this adoption. There are my adoptive parents (they have yet to really share with me the adoption story from their point of view), my birth mother (her story is a book in itself), my older brother (no longer here to share it but it too could be a book), my younger brother (he doesn't remember much pre-adoption, but he is a huge part of my past story and now my present), my siblings I grew up with (not adopted but it would be interesting to know more of how they view adoption and what it means to them), my sister (her history of adoption is different than my brothers and I but just as compelling), and then a whole array of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and family friends (both adoptive and birth) on the fringes of each of our stories. One adoption and yet so many people.
In DC I also realized there are others that make adoption possible (or impossible). There are lawyers, judges, agencies, CPS, advocacy groups, social workers, counselors, doctors, teachers and child care workers. There are even (in some states) very involved congressmen and women, and lobbyists that are working tirelessly to improve on the process, to make more homes available and to get more and better support for pre and post adoptive families. The list goes on and on my friends.
I think all this struck me because as a child, my adoption seemed to be such a small thing. My little life, a little part of my life that was tucked away and hidden from just about everyone. My parents didn't ask me about what I thought or felt about adoption, we didn't talk about it really. I felt different at times, was treated differently at other times, but mostly I wanted to be like everyone else. I had no idea there were so many others directly or indirectly touched in life changing ways because of my adoption. Now as an adult I am starting to put all the pieces together. I am meeting adopted children and families almost everyday. And I am seeing what a big deal it is. What a great story every adoption is no matter how young or old the child, how big or small the trauma, every adoption affects a lot of people in HUGE life changing ways even if they don't want it to.
Once again, as I reflect on adoption, mine and others and the many more adoptive stories I will be a part of in the coming days, months and years, I realize to be adopted is an amazing adventure. I am thankful for the journey.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Trauma and addiction
Please read this article on addiction and trauma. It is from Medical News Today.
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/249756.php
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/249756.php
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
What is Behavior?
I listened to a couple of women talk about their children's temper tantrums and problems getting their children to clean their rooms. I listened while they knowingly told each other how they would discipline and traded ideas on things they could try to make them mind. It was a normal conversation between moms, but it made me a little sad. I didn't say anything, in fact I walked away. They weren't my clients, they are barely my friends and they were talking amongst themselves, not to me. They weren't doing anything wrong by most standards, but I guess I hoped for better. I have been hanging around a different group of parents and child-care workers and hadn't heard this kind of banter for a while. I also expected a little more, since these parents were also teachers.
I realized that there is a lot of teaching and training that needs to happen in order for people to understand there is a better way, a more effective way to work with children--a way that is balanced between nurture and structure. There is a way that gives parents practical tools and insights to mirror God's love as they build strong and meaningful connections with their children.A way that comes along side our children and teaches and trains while building strong bridges of trust.
I think the challenge facing us parents or teachers is how to really love and care for children in a ways that express it with practicality. This can be especially difficult when we can't see beyond the child's behaviors. We need to see past a tantrum to the fear, confusion, or hurt a child maybe experiencing. But first our primary goal can not be about getting good behavior. Our goal, as Karen Purvis (The Connected Child) so wisely puts it, is to build strong and healthy relationships. In teaching our children right and wrong, we must remain focused on building a foundation of safety, self-worth and empowerment that allows true growth to transform them.
I love working with parents who really want things to be better in their families and really want to help their children heal or adjust. I love it when the parents begin to see their child's behavior in new ways. When they see behavior as communication (even if they don't get what they are saying), they also begin to look for different solutions rather than simply punish and expecting the behavior to stop. I enjoy helping parents look for other options. The parents begin to find ways meet the child's real needs and let go of power struggles. In the process, parents discover that they can win their child's heart because they build trust and help them to find better ways to communicate what they are really feeling.
.
I realized that there is a lot of teaching and training that needs to happen in order for people to understand there is a better way, a more effective way to work with children--a way that is balanced between nurture and structure. There is a way that gives parents practical tools and insights to mirror God's love as they build strong and meaningful connections with their children.A way that comes along side our children and teaches and trains while building strong bridges of trust.
I think the challenge facing us parents or teachers is how to really love and care for children in a ways that express it with practicality. This can be especially difficult when we can't see beyond the child's behaviors. We need to see past a tantrum to the fear, confusion, or hurt a child maybe experiencing. But first our primary goal can not be about getting good behavior. Our goal, as Karen Purvis (The Connected Child) so wisely puts it, is to build strong and healthy relationships. In teaching our children right and wrong, we must remain focused on building a foundation of safety, self-worth and empowerment that allows true growth to transform them.
I love working with parents who really want things to be better in their families and really want to help their children heal or adjust. I love it when the parents begin to see their child's behavior in new ways. When they see behavior as communication (even if they don't get what they are saying), they also begin to look for different solutions rather than simply punish and expecting the behavior to stop. I enjoy helping parents look for other options. The parents begin to find ways meet the child's real needs and let go of power struggles. In the process, parents discover that they can win their child's heart because they build trust and help them to find better ways to communicate what they are really feeling.
.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
What is Trauma?
In a day and age where the word trauma is referred to when talking about any kind of stress such as breaking a nail, losing one's keys or anything demanding, or uncomfortable, it may be necessary to clearly define what is meant by trauma from a true mental health perspective.
In Eliana Gil's book, Helping Abused and Traumatized Children, she defines it in light of the DSM-IV (the diagnostic Bible for providers) which looks at trauma as an event that is either actual or threatened to the person or witnessed by another. This includes serious injury, or death, learning about an unexpected death or a violent death, serious harm or injury of a family member or one close to the person (DSM-IV-TR: American Psychiatric Association, 2000).
One of the critical issues about trauma is that it is a debilitating loss of control that people, especially children, experience. This loss of control has a huge impact on the person and can be very distressing and overwhelming. This can last over long periods of time, coming and going, and seen in a variety of behaviors.
Children have a difficult time and are usually unable to modulate their arousal, process or categorize what is happening to them and their internal stress. They are not able to discern the impact of what has happen or what they may have witnessed.
Every person is different in how they handle a traumatic event and every situation varies in terms of internal and external support the individual has in helping to overcome their loss of control. How long the trauma occurred, how old the person was at the time, how intense it was, how the family and those close responded, the temperament of the individual, their coping skills, how quickly they were able to regain control, and other compounding effects all come into play when addressing trauma and healing.
In Eliana Gil's book, Helping Abused and Traumatized Children, she defines it in light of the DSM-IV (the diagnostic Bible for providers) which looks at trauma as an event that is either actual or threatened to the person or witnessed by another. This includes serious injury, or death, learning about an unexpected death or a violent death, serious harm or injury of a family member or one close to the person (DSM-IV-TR: American Psychiatric Association, 2000).
One of the critical issues about trauma is that it is a debilitating loss of control that people, especially children, experience. This loss of control has a huge impact on the person and can be very distressing and overwhelming. This can last over long periods of time, coming and going, and seen in a variety of behaviors.
Children have a difficult time and are usually unable to modulate their arousal, process or categorize what is happening to them and their internal stress. They are not able to discern the impact of what has happen or what they may have witnessed.
Every person is different in how they handle a traumatic event and every situation varies in terms of internal and external support the individual has in helping to overcome their loss of control. How long the trauma occurred, how old the person was at the time, how intense it was, how the family and those close responded, the temperament of the individual, their coping skills, how quickly they were able to regain control, and other compounding effects all come into play when addressing trauma and healing.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Thoughts on Adoption
Today I was watching my friends with their adopted and "home-grown" children at huge church picnic we had. I was remembering the stories they told me about their adoptions and the effort, sacrifice and faith it took to bring these children home. I thought about my other friends that are waiting to adopt, several in different phases of the process. I considered my own adoption and what it took for my parents to bring me home from the foster care system. I thought about how much hope there is in the act of adoption. Hope to bring home a child, hope to bring healing and health, hope for the child to have a family and hope to see that child grow and know our Father who has also adopted us.
But adoption is also about parenting and parenting is challenging! It is a long journey that is full of hope, but also tests our strength and faith at times. Parenting kids from hard places, children who have been through hurt, trauma and loss that most adults could not bear is a great challenge and a great calling. It it is far more intense than bringing the child home. It is nothing less than healing for the whole child. And the healing that we desire for our children is a process and it is anchored in real hope.
Our hope for our children is similar to the hope that God has for us. We are His adopted, often traumatized and certainly attachment deficient children. He uses a balance of nurture, tender mercies and structure. He continually leads us into relationship with Him. In parenting our children we too must lead our children intentionally, firmly and lovingly into a relationship of trust and healing. In doing so our children are able to discover real life-changing hope.
But adoption is also about parenting and parenting is challenging! It is a long journey that is full of hope, but also tests our strength and faith at times. Parenting kids from hard places, children who have been through hurt, trauma and loss that most adults could not bear is a great challenge and a great calling. It it is far more intense than bringing the child home. It is nothing less than healing for the whole child. And the healing that we desire for our children is a process and it is anchored in real hope.
Our hope for our children is similar to the hope that God has for us. We are His adopted, often traumatized and certainly attachment deficient children. He uses a balance of nurture, tender mercies and structure. He continually leads us into relationship with Him. In parenting our children we too must lead our children intentionally, firmly and lovingly into a relationship of trust and healing. In doing so our children are able to discover real life-changing hope.
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