Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The Value of Family



In order to change the way we parent we have to first see parenting and our kids differently. We need a different understanding, a different point of reference. We may need to realize we are not going to see a change in our children’s behavior until there has been significant change in us first. It doesn’t mean we are wrong or doing a bad job but it does require us to see the situation differently. For example, what if like Bryan Post says, instead of trying to get rid the bad behavior, we first honor it? Let's begin to respect the place that it comes from. Post says, “Our bodies and minds are brilliant- they only act out when it's deemed necessary. When we can get to the point that we are able to observe the bad behavior without judging it, maybe we'll be able to understand why it was necessary in the first place”(The Post Institute).

I start by asking myself how a person’s behavior serves them. In other words, how has their defense worked for them, how have they survived and how do they perceive the way they are acting will get them what they need (or feel the most fear about not getting). When I see this, I am continually amazed at our abilities to cope, to survive to keep some measure of control even in chaos. I find I can’t take that away from people, kids or adults without laying a foundation that will at the very least provide them with safety and start to rebuild from there.

A great place to start is to evaluate our goals as a family and what we really want for our children.  In our family what we are creating for their life and for their heritage? What things are foundational, not behavioral, but at the core of what our family is meant to be –what do we feel about our family? Here is a family code I came across several months ago. I have since framed it and keep in a visible spot in our home. It is a great reminder of all I hope we will be as family.

OUR FAMILY
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.
You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your adult journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.(from unknown)

How do we get there? How do we build this kind of family?

It can start with an honest look at where we are. Are we willing to ask ourselves tough questions?  Do we really need this? (busy-ness, all the activities, to be right, to have kids that are compliant, to be in charge of everything?) In light of those questions we can re-evaluate our life style. Do we need more down time, time and space in every day to slow down and breath? Do we need time to be together, opportunities to interact? In the big picture we need to consider our goals as a family, what are we building…inheritance or heritage?  Look at our life styles…is all we are doing taking us where we want to go? Will we have the kind of family we want if we keep going the way we are? If we do nothing to change our focus or shift in our parenting style where will our family or our children be in five years? Ten years? What will our relationship with them be then? 

With a Change of perspective and we can  re wire our thinking. We need to begin in our homes to need make room for empathy. And teach our children even when we don’t have all the answers or can’t solve all the problems, we can still repair and offer healing and hope. Family is indeed where our story starts.

In your interactions with your children, be aware that your stress is spilling out in every word you speak.  When we are stressed, we lose our connection and the ability to stay relational. We all need someone who will listen and let our emotions be released and be okay with us when we are not well. Big angry feeling and reactions are the way we heal from emotions. As adults we create relationships where we can release our feelings. But we also have to do this as adults for children. This is parenting courageously and honestly and it means in our families it may be messy and there will be some bumping around while we learn how to stay relational in our crises.

Over and over experts like Bryan Post, Heather Forbes and Karyn Purvis tell us, trust and safety is in the relationship! We bring into our parenting our own experiences that hurt us and frightened us. These are not our fault but it is our responsibility to take care of them so we are not triggered. Parenting is emotional work and we need help. While we are created to connect, we must see and act differently to be relational in our parenting. If we lose relationship we don’t have anything to build on except fear and control. Then we get locked into patterns of fear, control, stress, anger and ultimately depression.

In situations when our children are stressed (and we are too) it is helpful to remember, to keep a gripe on hope that we are doing our best, and our child is doing their best. Even if we get upset,  it's just a moment in time (a very tough moment), you'll get through it and can learn from it. When things are calm again, there will be more opportunity for talking, listening, learning and gaining insights.

Showing your child you are able to return to a more calm, and caring state after conflict, will give them hope. As parents we need to model and inspire our children, and teach that it is possible to stay in the relationship when conflicts arise. In doing this for them, you also empower them to be the adolescent, and then adult, who can keep themselves in a relational state.

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