There is great value in
building relationship with our children on a foundation of trust and love. With
our hurt kids from hard places this is where we have to start. We have to first
build trust through creating felt safety. And we must also understand that the
child may not feel safe, may not trust and may not love or be loved in a way we
try to offer it. The impact of trauma has effect on even the simplistic
functioning of their ability to connect in relationships. What often makes this
difficult is that trauma is misinterpreted by its symptoms.
If you find that hard
to believe look at how many of children from hurt places have been diagnosed
with attention and conduct disorders. We know Children from hurt places respond
to safe and calm environments in unusual ways. Many times it feels like the
child is pushing for strict and harsh discipline-and perhaps they are so they
can feel in control of when it happens and go to a place of familiar patterns.
But harsh responses can cause further and long-lasting problems for children
from hurt places.
A lot of children who
come from hard places will have several difficulties all at once— from sleep
and attention problems, difficulties with fine motor control and coordination,
social and relational delays and deficits and speech and language problems with
abnormalities in sleep, play, arousal, appetite, moods and impulse control. Children
who act in the ways we have described are indeed in some kind of pain. Pain
makes people irritable, anxious, and aggressive. Surrounding the pain is a
barrier of fear which also builds walls for protection, making connecting even
more difficult.
Another factor to this
is that most children from hard places are accustomed to people around them who
react to whatever happens to them next. There is very little proactive, impulse
control or decision making happening around them. Dr. Bruce Perry says that children are more
vulnerable to trauma than adults-resilience is made, not born. Children become
resilient by learning new patterns in handling stress and from the nurturing
they receive as this is proven to change their neurological system to stress. When
you parent from a relationship base of building connections through safety and
trust it means going beyond the behavior and beyond the consequences to see
behavior as communication. From what we now know about brain development and
functioning we know trauma related behavior is a response to stress and stress responders
are triggered by the trauma. Brain research and our experiences tell us when we
are stressed we are not able to build relationships. We can’t think as clearly
nor can we interact appropriately. Stress causes confusion but it also
constricts us emotionally leaving very little room for the brain to function
relationally.
In order to stay connected
and present with the child, even while they are kicking and screaming, we first
have to view what is happening within the child differently. They aren’t being
bad, they aren’t making a choice-they are having difficulty regulating their
overflow of feelings, feelings they are too afraid to even get close to when
things are calm…Big reactions keep them safe from exploring their deeper needs
and feelings. We must also remember there
is nothing logical or rational happening in that moment for the child. This is
not a teachable moment. It is a moment to just ride through the storm with
them. When we stay with our children and
ride out the storms, we find greater healing and give them tools to regulate
emotions. Patience, love, consistency, care, are no short term cures. Taking
time to pay attention and to listen is key. When you take the time to see the
world from the child’s perspective you help them to feel safer. This is about
building a foundation for your child. Your child has to deal with his issues of
confusion and fear before he can demonstrate love and appreciation for you
bringing him home.
Why do we have to work
so hard to connect with some kids? Our children from hurt places are attachment
challenged. They are challenged in their ability to make positive, healthy
attachments. They are not equipped to be
in a relationship. Fear does not build relationships and when a child’s brain
is still operating in survival mode they are in fear and chaos inside. So
asking if they know you love them, or to say they love you…might make us feel
better, but there are holes in the foundation we actively must repair for them
to really feel and understand what those words mean.
Because trauma even that which is caused by neglect,
causes overloads of stress on a person’s response systems, marked by a lack of
control, treatment must start by creating a safe environment…not just
physically safe, but one the child is safe in emotionally too. This is done in
the context of family—predictable, respectful relationships are built best in
nurturing home base places for children. This is where a child is able to feel
safe, and then gain a sense of competency and mastery. That is why the thing
that works the least is any treatment, any discipline or intervention that
forces children with powerful, intimidating tactics.
When we see children
who have attachment issues we know we are working with a person who is
struggling to handle their responses to stress. They do not have a way to
handle their regulatory system…essentially this is a child who is scared (even
if they are acting incredibly bold), stressed and living out of their primal
survival mode to maintain their very existence. Trauma and our response to it
cannot be understood outside the contrast of human relationships…this is what
experts in the field of brain development, trauma research and even us
counselors know to be true. Relationship trumps methods and really cool
techniques every time!
What happens to us is
not as impactful as to what it does to the relationships around us—to our loved
ones, to ourselves and others around us. Most of our children have been impacted
in some way by the shattering of what should have been a steady and solid
normal and natural relationship. So even if it happened in utero, or at birth
it has an impact. As a result the recovery from trauma and neglect also is all
about relationships-rebuilding them. This happens as we strive to build trust,
confidence and returning to security and reconnecting to love.
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